Several months ago I wrote my first Orthodoxy 101 article on church etiquette while promising an article on home life.  Like that one, I welcome your feedback, suggestions, and questions to make this article better.

My spiritual father here at St. Tikhon’s gave me some important advice,

“Your asceticism is your gift to God. Our Lord does not expect us to give more than we have.”

Everything you read here should have that bit of wisdom guiding it. Your prayer rule, your fasting, your alms, and all other spiritual acts are gifts to God. If you are frequently angry and irritable when trying to keep up with the Orthodox life, then you may be trying to accomplish more than you can handle. You’re giving more than you have. Be humble by knowing your limitations and talk to a priest about your frustrations. Americans in general are quite spiritually weak – we don’t handle asceticism well.

The following topics will be addressed in this article:

• Prayer – Types of prayer, developing a rule, prayer books, etc.
• Icons – Setting up an icon corner
• Vigil Lamps and Candles – advice, recommendations, and videos
• Incense – how to burn incense in a home censer
• Fasting – the norms

PRAYER

I should begin by saying: Follow the guidance of your priest or spiritual father. This article is not meant to replace guidance from a spiritual mentor.

Prayer is, in my opinion, what makes a home Christian.  A house can be filled with the greatest theological works and the most beautiful icons, but if prayer is lacking, then spiritual life is absent.

PRAYER BOOKS

Purchasing a prayer book, or at the very least, accessing online prayers is a must. My preference is the beautiful St. Tikhon’s Monastery Press Prayer Book.

I have posted some Morning and Evening Prayers here and prayer book apps can be found here.  Apps are alright when traveling, but a smartphone is designed to distract you, so I don’t recommend using it for prayer except when necessary.

SETS OF PRAYERS

While we are commanded by the Apostle to pray without ceasing, there are usually a few formally set prayer times:

• Morning Prayers – said shortly after waking, they help us focus our day on prayer and on Christ.
• Evening Prayers – usually said before bedtime. Include a time of private confession for the day’s sins before the Lord.
• Mealtime prayers – said before (and sometimes after) a meal is partaken
• Precommunion Prayers – the full precommunion prayer rule is long and usually only completed by monastics. It includes a few canons, an akathist, and numerous prayers. If you chant quickly, it takes about an hour and a half. Most Orthodox Christians will skip the canons and akathists. Do what you can handle and is reasonable for you.

You may notice in your prayer book some common abbreviations such as “Glory…Now and ever” and “Trisagion Prayers.”  Most Orthodox understand what these mean, but see footnote [1] below if you’re uncertain.

PROSTRATIONS

There’s no single rule for when and how to make prostrations, but many people include these in their prayer rule at home.  In my video below, I briefly demonstrate how I have learned to make a prostration.  I think it is important to let your hands hit the ground before your knees.  During times such as Clean Week, when prostrations are manifold and often done on a hard surface, you could injure your knees by repeatedly plopping down on them.

THE SIGN OF THE CROSS

The sign of the cross is something we do quite often as Orthodox Christians. I had to ask a priest to show me how to do it properly when I first began exploring Orthodoxy.

As pictured below, we place the thumb and first two fingers together, while placing the last two fingers against the palm.  This symbolizes the Trinity and the two natures of Christ (divine and human). We then touch the three fingers to our forehead, our waist, the right shoulder, and then the left shoulder. Usually a slight bow proceeds making the sign of the cross.

We cross ourselves during prayer and throughout the day. It is one way that our body can join our mind in prayer.

FAMILY PRAYER TIME

My wife and I wake up at different times, so we complete our Morning Prayers separately. However, we sing and chant Evening Prayers together. I strongly encourage couples and families to pray together for either Morning or Evening Prayers. It is healthy for your marriage and, if you have children, it teaches them the importance of prayer. We end our Evening Prayers by asking one another for forgiveness of any offenses we may have caused – and we try to leave the door open for conversation if something needs to be talked about.

Some families will include reading the daily scriptures together, which is wonderful. Be sure to never push your family too hard. I’ve heard stories of overzealous parents attempting to turn the home into a little monastery, complete with meals in silence as a passage from the Holy Fathers is read. Most people are probably tempted toward complacency rather than such zeal. However, ultra-zealous people should complete an extended rule later by themselves rather than forcing it on the family.

Mornings are intensely busy with preparations for work or school. I would encourage adults to wake up earlier and complete a fuller Morning Prayer rule. However, with young children, you may be doing good to simply chant “O Heavenly King” and the Trisagion Prayers before breakfast.

DEVELOPING A PRAYER RULE

Few people have the exact same rule of prayer. An established prayer rule teaches us spiritual discipline, yet is should never become our master. St. Theophan the Recluse offers wonderful advice for laypeople to follow in developing a rule of prayer.

THE JESUS PRAYER

Often, a prayer rope is used to quietly pray the Jesus Prayer. Some people call this meditative or contemplative prayer. As your fingers pass by each knot on the rope, you pray, “Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me a sinner,” or something similar. All thoughts and mental images should be gently brushed aside every time they arise so that there is space for our Lord to come and dwell quietly within the mind and heart.

ICONS

Most Orthodox homes have an icon corner on one wall in a common area where the family prays. Traditionally, Christians have always faced east while praying in expectation of our Lord’s Second Coming. In the morning, as the sun rises during prayer, it can be quite beautiful. If an east-facing wall is not available, don’t sweat it. God hears your prayers no matter what direction you are facing.

Hand-painted icons are the standard for quality and beauty. However, they are costly. Printed icons come in a variety of sizes and qualities. I would encourage a family to work toward saving up for at least one hand-painted icon of Christ or the Theotokos around which they can build their icon corner.

VIGIL CANDLES & LAMPS

Most icon corners feature some kind of light, which represents the light of Christ in the world and the light that our prayers bring to the darkness within our souls. I started out with tea light candles, then beeswax votive candles (available here and here), and eventually oil lamps. I favor oil lamps for safety and ease of maintenance. They burn cooler than votive candles, so there is a lower risk of glass breakage and fire.  With a little practice, oil lamps are easier than beeswax to clean and maintain as well.

CANDLES

If you decide upon votive candles, then I would recommend only lighting them when at prayer. Extinguish them before leaving the icon corner. I don’t recommend paraffin candles since they are petroleum based – though I admit they are significantly cheaper and easier to clean. Burning petroleum indoors produces fumes that could be unsafe to breathe frequently.

Cleanup is made easiest if you rub a little olive oil in the glass before placing the candle in it. That’ll make the wax pop right out in many cases. If you still have trouble, stick the glass in the freezer and then carefully pop out the frozen beeswax with a butter knife.

OIL LAMPS

Hanging or standing vigil lamps can be found on quite a few Orthodox webstores as well as eBay.   Most people prefer the simplicity of a vigil glass on a shelf without hanging the lamp from the wall or ceiling.

To hang a lamp from a drywall ceiling, utilize a hook with a threaded end and a drywall anchor.  For wall hanging, various brackets can be used such as plant hangers from a lawn and garden store or more elegant brackets like these.  Either way, drywall anchors will probably be needed.

To set up and maintain your oil lamp, see my short video below:

Materials for beginning and maintaining an oil vigil lamp:

You’ll need a simple votive glass or a more elegant hanging lamp.  Next, you’ll need cotton wicks and a wick holder. You can make your own wicks from a roll of cotton twine or you can purchase them here. Two slightly different sized wick holders will help since some wicks are thicker and require a larger opening in the wick holder; others are smaller and need the tighter holder. Most of the time, I use the Old Rite wick holder since it has a larger opening than the regular one.

The Olive Oil Debate

Unfortunately, olive oil is often diluted with vegetable oils or bad quality olive oil, even though it says “Pure” or “100%” on the bottle. [2] So your results may vary from brand to brand, or even from batch to batch within a brand.

There are various opinions about “regular” vs. extra virgin (EVOO). I’ve gone back and forth between the two. Most wicks I can find these days are too thick to use with EVOO (which has a thicker viscosity). That being the case, regular or light olive oil is working better for me now. If you’re uncertain, experiment with both and see which one works better for your setup.

For detailed instructions on lighting and maintaining an oil lamp, check out my video above or the page by Hermitage of the Holy Cross.  It may look intimidating at first, but once you try it, you’ll realize it really isn’t hard.

Some people will leave their oil lamps lit twenty-four hours a day. I would never recommend that for candles since they can become too hot to leave unsupervised. I’ve seen housefires start from candles, and plenty of old, wooden churches have burned down over the centuries from candles. Even some oil lamp configurations (such as ones with floating cork wicks) can become dangerously hot as the oil is used up and the flame sinks to the bottom of the glass.

Lamp Maintenance Timeframe

Generally, if the lamp is left lit around the clock, it’ll need to be trimmed and maintained about every twelve to twenty-four hours depending on the oil and wick quality. If the flame is dying every few hours, then either the oil is bad or, more often the case, the wick is too thick and is choking off the oil supply. In the latter cases, I remove some strands from the wick or use thinner olive oil.

INCENSE

“Let my prayer arise before thee as incense; and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice.” Psalm 141:2

Incense makes the home smell like prayer.  For those who would like to burn incense at home in the traditional way, I’ve provided the following video explaining how to burn incense.  I purchase all of my incense from the Hermitage of the Holy Cross.

 

For those who would prefer to burn incense without charcoal, they now make charcoal-free burners that utilize a tealight candle. Since people in my household have asthma, I now use one of these.

FASTING

The traditional fasting rules for the Orthodox Church are stricter than what most modern Orthodox follow. Any unusual fasting should be reviewed with one’s spiritual father.

Most Wednesdays and Fridays are fast days. There are additionally four fasting seasons that roughly correspond with spring, summer, fall, and winter. These seasons of fasting vary in their strictness and length. Consult one of many Orthodox calendars or apps for the exact days.

Traditionally, a fast day in old Orthodox countries meant eating one meal a day, which would occur after Vespers (around sunset). Usually, the meal would include a bit of bread and vegetables. A “wine and oil” day meant two meals, lunch and dinner, in which both wine and oil could be consumed (traditional Mediterranean food is prepared with copious amounts of olive oil). Below is a summary of the traditional way to approach the fast days:

• Strict fast – no food that day, or if someone lacks the strength, a light meal of dry food after Vespers
• Regular fast day – one meal consisting of bread and vegetables after Vespers
• Wine & oil day – two meals (lunch and dinner) cooked with lots of oil and served with wine.
• Fish day – oil, wine, and fish allowed

The strictness of fasting varies by the season and culture. In Alaska, for example, fish is always allowed on fast days because of the scarcity of food. In some seminaries in Russia, fish is served at least once or twice a week during Great Lent. The type of food consumed during a fast has varied a bit across cultures and time, though generally there is abstinence from red meat and poultry. Before modern times, breakfast was unusual. People generally only ate two meals a day, so we could potentially interpret things like a “wine and oil” day to mean eating a normal number of meals.

Today in America, a normal fast day means eating vegan, a wine and oil day is slightly more relaxed, and a fish day even more so.  Unfortunately, what is eaten is often the focus over when or how often meals are eaten. It does us no good to stuff ourselves with unhealthy “fast friendly” foods. Oreo cookies, for example, are technically fast friendly.

As a priest, I tend to steer people toward eating simple, healthy meals that meet the fasting guidelines as close as possible – but without damaging their health. Again, our asceticism is a gift we offer to God. A legalistic approach to fasting usually transforms this gift into either indulging ourselves on high-carb “fast friendly” foods or merely being grumpy and hungry. It should instead be a means to discipline the body, teach us self-control, overcome the passions, and thereby draw closer to God and His love.

Various dietary restrictions and health conditions will limit the degree to which we can fast. Even some saints, such as Ambrose of Optina, ate fish on fast days because of his poor health. As St. Barsanuphius taught, patient endurance and thanksgiving during bodily illness give the same benefit as strict fasting, even if we must eat ten times a day.  He writes,

“Illness is greater than discipline, and is reckoned as a substitute for ascetic behavior” (The Letters of Barsanuphius & John, #78, pp. 80-81, SVS Press).

Seek the counsel of your priest if you have any further questions.

---

END NOTES

[1] COMMON ABBREVIATIONS: “Glory…Now and ever” is “Glory to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, now and ever and unto the ages of ages. Amen.”  Trisagion Prayers are those that begin with, “Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal, have mercy on us…” continues with, “O Most Holy Trinity, have mercy on us! Lord, cleanse us from our sins…” and afterward goes into the “Our Father.”  See the Morning and Evening Prayers for more detail.

O Heavenly King is technically not part of the Trisagion Prayers but often is the prayer that is said at the beginning of a service or prayer rule.

[2] More information on the olive oil problem can be found here and here.

 

FURTHER READING

Learning to Pray, Part 2: A collection of St. Theophan’s teachings on how to pray properly and how to develop a prayer rule that works for where you are in your life. Its simple and approachable advice is invaluable.

Acquiring the Mind of Christ: The abbot of St. Tikhon’s Monastery, Fr. Sergius (Bowyer), wrote a book on developing the spiritual life. It is good and addresses prayer rule development.